The secret sexual basement

An excellent paper by Dr. Omar Minwalla, February 2021.

Unfortunately, I can relate to every word of this.

What is DARVO?

Very interesting academic paper by Jennifer Freyd on the concept of DARVO. Probably the clearest explanation that I’ve come across.

Well worth a read if you have any interest in the subject.

Another description in Metro:

Chump Lady is definitely The Biz

She’s blunt. She’s brutal. She’s uncompromising and she takes no prisoners. But I actually LOVE Chumplady (who can be found at I genuinely want her to have this old fellow’s babies. They would be beautiful. Spiteful as fuck but beautiful.

I couldn’t resist blogging the following answer that Chumplady gave earlier this month to a fellow chump traveller.

If anyone out there is in the position that I found myself in two years ago then this is the Alka Seltzer for your raging hangover.

Chumplady’s bloody funny, to boot. (BTW: If appropriate substitute ‘he’ for ‘she’.)

Dear It’s Still Just So Unfair,

At some point you’ve got to decide between justice and meh.

I’m telling you, as a survivor of this shit — choose meh.

Meh is my shorthand for acceptance. Take back your power and decide that this person no longer has the power to hurt you. Be grateful he isn’t actively in your orbit hurting you or those you care about. (People who bred with fuckwits have a MUCH harder row to hoe.)

People who have the power to hurt you are people you are invested in. People whose good opinion of you matters. You are no longer invested in him, and know he’s a fraud, so why internalize a bozo’s judgement?

If you get hung up on the injustice — and it is a real injustice — it’s absolutely traumatizing to be chumped — you will be tethered to a situation you don’t control. A powerlessness that feels a lot like being partnered with a fuckwit, really.

You don’t control justice, unless you mean revenge, which I discourage. And I’m not waving that off lightly. As I’ve written here before, I am peace, love and granola, but I had vivid fantasies of gutting my cheater with a fish knife. Stem to stern.

But why would I throw my life away for a fuckwit? Why should you? Their punishment is being them. People don’t have character transplants. Their crappy character and shit life skills follow them forever. Leave it to the laws of natural consequences — the arc can be LONG, but it’s there.

Focus on what you DO control — you. Meh is something you can strive for and achieve. Karma for fuckwits, not so much.

I don’t know if you ever truly feel indifferent about being chumped (says the woman who’s been writing a blog about infidelity for 8 years…) but you can accept that it happened, and you can rise above it. That’s a battle worth waging — gaining the new life. Meh just creeps up on you over time, as the new life eclipses the old life.

Read here awhile and thank your lucky stars that you don’t have deeper sunk costs. A $600 shrink bill is galling. Try 20 years and two kids. Try being a 50-year-old SAHM trying to re-enter the workplace. Or a man who had to paternity test his children. It’s not the Pain Olympics, but some perspective helps.