Excerpt from Tracy Schorn's excellent book

I love you but I’m not in love with you.

A classic. Translated, it means—“I did unloving things, but telling you ‘I love you’ makes me feel better about them.” I love you but I’m not in love with you is simply impression management.

It has nothing to do with you, chumps. This is about maintaining the cheater’s self-image. And it softens the blow. Hey, you wouldn’t impose consequences on someone who loves you, would you? Cheaters think they’re letting you down gently.

Cheater love is a compartmentalized kind of love—“I love you, but I put that aside while I was fucking someone else.” The two things aren’t at all connected. Why should “love” get in the way of a good time?

Chumps naively assume that people who love us act like they love us. Cheaters subvert that assumption and turn it back on chumps. “But I’m not in love with you” is a subtle blameshift. “I don’t feel giddy and effervescent. I need sparkles. Alas, if you had only twinkled more brightly, perhaps it would not have come to this.” It’s so disappointing the way you’ve let them down. What can you do to make it up to them? “I love you but I’m not in love with you” is your cue to perform the pick-me dance. You may be dumped anyway for the affair partner, but some parting kibbles would be nice.

The subtle mindfuck of “I love you but I’m not in love with you” is that it’s not definitive. It’s pure cake speak. Cheaters aren’t saying, “Hey, I love someone else. It’s over. I’m sorry.” No, there is an opening—they love you. Just not in that way.

To a cheater “I’m not in love with you” is justification for casting about and loving someone else. So which came first? The falling out of love or the permission they gave themselves to cast about?

Your response: Chumps, don’t try to parse with cheaters which parts of you they love or what their butterflies are saying to them today—state what you need.

“I need to be in a relationship where I am fully loved and respected. You don’t love me the way I deserve to be loved. Buh-bye.” Don’t ask yourself what you did to be so unlovable. Don’t dance the pick-me dance. Just let go. I’m sure the butterflies will be migrating again soon.”

Excerpt From: Tracy Schorn. “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”.

Link to Tracy’s excellent web site: https://www.chumplady.com