Smack – Chapter 21

TrampChapter 21

How to sleep with Louise from Editorial – your step-by-step guide

1/ Get sacked on a Wednesday morning and aimlessly wander the streets of Soho for three hours.

2/ Return home to the house that your sexual partner has recently vacated in frustration at your dithering over the small matter of your father’s imminent death and get drunk and stoned with the girl from the cash point whom you invited to live with you on Monday night.

3/ Take a telephone call from your mother and tell her to fuck off.

4/ Wake up hung over on Thursday morning and take a call from Dave from accounts that goes something like this:

– Johnny… John… we were starting to get worried about you where have you been?

– Yes, we thought that might be what happened – can’t really say that I blame you.

– Listen we’ve organised a leaving do for you tonight… of course, we can’t have it on the premises but we thought we’d all meet up in the Ship.

– What do you mean? You’ve got to come… it’s all arranged.

– Johnny… people want to see you; everyone’s really pissed off about what’s happened …

– Listen… just come for an hour… you don’t have to stay very long… come and partake of the odd beverage or two… people are going to be really disappointed if you don’t turn up.

– That’s more like it – you know it makes sense.

– Listen, all right then… seven-thirty in the Ship… be there or be a two-dimensional figure with four sides of equal length.

5/ Have a shower and a shave and take a taxi into Soho at around 7.17 p.m..

6/ Meet up in the Ship with Dave from accounts and about three dozen other representatives of the company you used to work for.

7/ Start off drinking wine because you don’t intend to drink very much tonight and you think, perhaps, that it might make you look a little more sophisticated in the circumstances. Imbibe some of Phil the designer’s cocaine and then move on to lager, accepting along the way the occasional brandy or whisky chaser from a well-wisher.

8/ Stay in the pub until it closes and then walk around Soho from club to club with your drunken ex-colleagues until you find one that permits you to come in. Find the toilet and take some more of Phil the designer’s cocaine.

9/ Notice that Louise is a part of your group and use an initial chat-up line like this:

– I suppose you’re happy now, are you?

– You know exactly what I’m talking about…

– Don’t play the innocent, Louise, you’ve been trying to stick the knife in for weeks…

– Listen to me you ugly bitch: I’ll get you for this, don’t think that I won’t. I’m going to devote the rest of my life to fucking you up. You’re going to be fucking sorry you ever messed with me – you’d better believe it.

10/ Have a conversation with Christine from accounts that goes like this:

– What did you say to her?

– Well you must have said something to her, the poor girl’s distraught.

– Look I’m going to see if she’s all right – I think she ran off into the loo.

11/ Take some more of Phil the designer’s cocaine and drag your fat sweaty body on to the dance floor.

12/ Wait until it’s approximately 1.15 a.m., take some more cocaine and then have another conversation with Louise, whose red eyes, it has to be said, do little to improve her general appearance:

– Look Louise, can I have a word?

– Look… don’t be like that… I’m sorry I shouted at you earlier… But you’ve got to see it from my point of view – I’ve just lost my job.

– Wasn’t it? You can’t blame me for jumping to conclusions – you haven’t exactly been fun to work with lately, have you?

– Yeah… I know I’ve been a little heavy. But it was for your own good as well as mine, what with all the rumours that have been circulating and everything.

– Well, you know I don’t really mean it. I’m just trying to be professional, that’s all.

– Look… let me buy you a drink.

– Oh don’t be like that, Louise, it is my leaving do after all. We’ll probably never even see each other again after tonight.

– Okay a white wine it is, then.

13/ Buy a bottle of white wine and sit in a booth and share the wine with Louise. When it’s finished buy another and start to realise that maybe Louise isn’t as Neanderthal as you previously thought she was.

14/ Put your arm around Louise and say: ‘Friends?’.

15/ Smile at Louise and hold her hand and stare down her cleavage.

16/ Put your arm around Louise again when she starts to cry and listen intently while she says this:

– I’m sorry John, I didn’t mean it to get this far. I was just upset. I’ve always enjoyed working with you, really.

– I know… what can I say? I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.

17/ Rub Louise’s cheek then resume holding her hand.

18/ When he tries to join Louise and you in the booth, tell Dave from accounts that you need a little privacy.

19/ When Dave from accounts has gone, resume holding Louise’s hand and put your other hand on the top of her thigh, rubbing it gently with your fingertips.

20/ Agree to share a cab home with Louise.

21/ Queue up in a taxi rank in Old Compton Street with Louise. Climb into the back of the cab and put your arm around her shoulder. Kiss her on the cheek.

22/ Instruct the tax driver to drive to Louise’s place in Mill Hill first, even though you know that Islington is closer.

23/ Pay the taxi driver and get invited into Louise’s flat. Once inside, kiss her passionately on the lips and tear her clothing off before she even has time to put the kettle on.

24/ Have sexual intercourse with Louise in her living room.

25/ When you have recovered from your exertions, have sexual intercourse with Louise again, in her bedroom if possible.


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