This is going to seem a little ridiculous but there are one or two things that I have to tell you. They’re not really rules, they’re just things that I’d prefer you didn’t do. You’re going to think that I’m paranoid or something but I’m only trying to stop people from jumping to the wrong conclusion.
Like I said last night: please feel free to make yourself at home. There’s lots to eat in the fridge (Unfortunately, I’m not really sure how much of it isn’t meat based!) so just help yourself. Have another shower or bath if you want to – but I’d prefer that you didn’t use Marie’s shampoo (it’s in the green bottle) – use mine (it’s Head and Shoulders), she’ll only wonder what’s been going on. Also, please do not answer the telephone, use it to make calls by all means but don’t answer it. I don’t know what Marie would say if a strange woman she’s never met were to answer the telephone.
Don’t worry about the bed or anything and stay as long as you like. There’s a set of keys on the kitchen table. Please remember to lock the mortise lock as it invalidates our insurance if you don’t. You can post the keys through the letter box when you’ve done.
I’m also leaving you some money. It’s not much but perhaps it will pay for a day off for you. Why don’t you use the time to check out the job pages? I’ll give you a reference if you like – I’ll get it printed on official paper and say that you’ve been working for me.
I enjoyed last night. It was nice talking you – let’s do it again some time.
PS This is going to sound even more stupid but I’ve just remembered the neighbours. Please try and be as inconspicuous as possible when you leave. Thanks.